DISCLAIMER: We are firm believers in personal freedom, including the freedom to alter your brain and body chemistry in whatever way pleases you, as long as you’re not hurting anyone. However…. We are journalists, not white coats. Take this story to your doctor and tell him what you want. If you order these pills off the Internet and they arrive from China, you’re on your own.
You want to: STAY AWAKE FOR DAYS
You should take: PROVIGIL (MODAFINIL), NUVIGIL (ARMODAFINIL)
What you need to know: If you have to pull an all-nighter, Provigil is your friend. The Air Force feeds it to fighter pilots to ensure they’re alert after 40 hours without shuteye. In business circles Provigil is often referred to as “the entrepreneur’s drug of choice.” The new pep pill on the block is Nuvigil, which Cephalon (the company that also makes Provigil) is up front about positioning as mind candy for suits. Got a business meeting after a red-eye? Nuvigil. Have to drive some “cargo” overnight from Tijuana to San Francisco? Nuvigil. Kick ass today and sleep it off tomorrow.
You want to: BOOST ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE/REMEMBER WHERE YOU PARKED
You should take: ERYTHROPOIETIN (EPO)
What you need to know: This drug has caused its share of sports scandals. It turns you into a bit of a superman but doesn’t shrink your nuts (anabolic steroids) or cause the bones in your face to grow abnormally (HGH). Essentially, EPO stimulates the production of red blood cells. The more red blood cells you have at a given time (say, during the Tour de France), the more oxygen your blood can carry. The more oxygen your blood can carry, the better your muscles perform. Scientists have noted a side effect in patients who use EPO legitimately to combat anemia and kidney failure: It enhances memory.
You want to: HUH? OH YEAH, FOCUS
You should take: RITALIN (METHYLPHENIDATE), ADDERALL (AMPHETAMINE AND DEXTROAMPHETAMINE)
What you need to know: These pills are forms of amphetamine that big pharma produces to make hyper kids (and adults) calm down. For people without ADHD it acts as a mild stimulant, giving them laserlike focus. Adderall tells the brain to amp up the activity of norepinephrine and dopamine, which essentially accelerates brain-cell efficiency. As a result its usage has reached epidemic proportions on college campuses. “It’s the drug your parents want you to take,” one college student tells us. It also has a come-down, which gives it a high potential for addiction in those who overindulge to stave off the refractory period.
You want to: SLAY STAGE FRIGHT
You should take: INDERAL (PROPRANOLOL)
What you need to know: You know how you need a few drinks before you approach that blonde at the bar? Think of Inderal as a magic pill that gives you beer balls. It’s referred to as a beta-blocker, originally crafted to treat high blood pressure, but because it blocks adrenaline, it also cures stage fright. Concert cellists have been known to pop this stuff before performances. “In the past two or three years I’ve had more people come to the office wanting betablockers for things like Power Point presentations, primarily people giving in-office talks when their boss is there,” says Dr. William Walton, a Dallas-based physician.
You want to: RELIEVE ANXIETY
You should take: KLONOPIN (CLONAZEPAM), ATIVAN (LORAZEPAM), XANAX (ALPRAZOLAM)
What you need to know: These fellas make up the antianxiety wing of the storied benzodiazepine family, which has replaced barbiturates for the treatment of anxiety and insomnia. The first benzodiazepine (Librium) was discovered in 1955, and since then its family has blossomed into more than 15 unique flavors that vary primarily in how quickly they act and how long they last. Klonopin came into vogue recently, as did Ativan, a fast-acting drug for immediate relief of anxiety. It’s important to note the older you get, the slower your body will process some benzodiazepines, meaning the effect can be prolonged.
You want to: STAY HARD ALL NIGHT
You should take: CIALIS (TADALAFIL), LEVITRA (VARDENAFIL), VIAGRA (SILDENAFIL CITRATE)
What you need to know: These all work similarly, by increasing blood flow to your member. But bear in mind the differences: Viagra and Levitra take half an hour to start and last four and five hours, respectively. Cialis takes 15 minutes to take effect and lasts up to 36 hours. While on these, you won’t be hard all the time, but you should be able to achieve an erection when you want. These drugs affect the circulatory system, so if you have heart issues, talk to your doc. Oh, and if you end up with a 12-hour erection, find someone to share it with.
You want to: GO TO SLEEP
You should take: AMBIEN (ZOLPIDEM), LUNESTA (ESZOPICLONE), SONATA (ZALEPLON)
What you need to know: These drugs are classified as sedative hypnotics. They don’t knock you out like oldschool sleep aids; they suggest to your mind that it’s time for sleep. They wear off after two to three hours, by which point you’re asleep, so when you wake up you don’t feel as though the inside of your head is coated in carpet lint. People have been known to get up and do all kinds of things on Ambien, especially if they’ve been drinking or taking other substances. The most notorious effect is sleep driving, though there have also been reports of sleep eating and sleep sex. For the record, we oppose sleep driving.
You want to: STAVE OFF BALDNESS
You should take: PROPECIA (FINASTERIDE)
What you need to know: Most people who take Propecia don’t advertise it. In fact, you’d be surprised to learn how many guys are on this drug. It makes hair grow on bald men’s heads by blocking a hormone that kills hair follicles. Propecia is the only treatment on the market that reverses frontal receding; most other cures take care of just the bald spot on the back of your dome (and don’t work nearly as well). Bear in mind once you start on Propecia you’re stuck popping it until you’re ready to give in to nature’s depilatory bulldozer. Dr. Marc Avram, director of the cosmetic surgical unit at New York—Presbyterian Hospital, warns, “If you quit, you lose the hair you’ve grown.” We’d rephrase that to “the hair that it grew.”
